As the end of the year approaches I start doing a lot of thinking. Reflecting over the year and wondering what the new year will bring. I am amazed at the year we have had, I feel like God has been so extravagant and loving towards us. He has been gracious and sweet, and I am in Awe of His LOVE! But somehow I still feel numb. Despite all the great things around me, the amazing people in my life, the path we have been put on, the opportunities in front of us... I feel numb?
I wonder how can this be? How is it that in the last year I have only had flashes of feeling "myself", but it seems I have battled most of the year of being in a "funk"???
Then I read another adopted mommas blog and am reminded.... I am numb out of protection for my heart. I have told myself that this is necessary and have used this as a coping mechanism, but it is effecting every day life. It is keeping me from living life fully, from being fully present.
I have placed this barrier to deal with this adoption process. To deal with what it takes to get through this process... or maybe to NOT DEAL with it. The times that I have let the wall down have been ugly and heartbreaking. Letting the thoughts and emotions flood over me of - where is our child, what living conditions are they in, what brought their momma/dad to have to leave them as an orphan, how long will we have to go before we can bring them home, and love them, and care for them, and let them be united with their brother and sister. What will we be facing in the years to come, how deep will their hurt be, will we be wise enough to handle it in a way that honors the Lord, will we screw them up more or be able to love them through their pain, oh their pain.... it sends me to my knees and what feels like a pit of sadness....
So are these my options - numbness or pain? Obviously I should pray and ask the Lord to work through this with me... I am sure their is a better way, but that would be letting go of control. At least with the numbness I have some control in this situation. In this process where you never know what is going to happen. You never know if you will really get that referral, you never know if and when you will move up the list, you never know if someone will decide if you can or can not bring your child home.
In all of this there are only a few things that I am sure of... That WE HAVE A CHILD IN AFRICA! That they are meant to come home and be in our family where we can love them. That we will do WHATEVER it takes to bring them home. And that it all hurts... A LOT!!!!
So here I am baring the truth of my numbness... my lack of pain... but also lack of overwhelming joy... I am not sure if other adoptive mommas feel this, I have a feeling some may... but if you feel overwhelmed, if you are living numb, maybe we can take a leap together. Take down the protective layer and open ourselves up to pain, joy, excitement, opportunity.
My head knows the Lord is bigger then all of this... now my heart needs to catch up....
blessings - Dawn